Missing Her

I'm really missing my mother. I miss hearing from her, seeing her, and just generally knowing she's around. The nights between 8:00 and 10:00 are especially difficult because that is the time we would talk to each other on the phone most every night. Every night since the day she was hospitalized I have felt a longing to hear her voice. I always feel there's something I have to do and someone to call. And then a little bit of loneliness sets in because I have no one to call and no one calls me.

Right now I feel like I gave up on my mother at a time when she needed me the most. Even though in my deepest core I know this not to be true, I can't help but feel at times a little guilty and have a bit of regret. I hope I didn't disappoint her and that she is in heaven right now with a heart of understanding and love.

I know that she is in a much better place and is free of pain and suffering. I hope one day I come to a place where the guilt and regret become minimal. I hope one day I begin to realize that despite the tragedies of those three weeks, I will feel not the disppointment of my mother, but rather the understanding and compassion of a loving parent for her child who only wanted what would be best for her. Heaven is a place where, ever since I could understand the concept, she has always wanted to go to and be at. And I know that she is finally truly happy and at peace. Heaven's gain is certainly my loss.